Yesterday after months of struggling I finally heard something I needed to hear and said something I needed to say. It wasn't necessarily an answer I was seeking this entire time but it actually went beyond the superficial need to know but straight to my heart. You see 6 months ago today things changed for me and as I sit here and think about everything that has happened since July 19 all the physical pain, the emotional exhaustion, all the doubting and sense of being lost is still there but I no longer let it overwhelm and define me.....it's just become part of my story, part of my testimony. 6 months ago I ruptured my ACL (it was shredded) and tore my lateral meniscus while on a mission trip with our church's high schoolers and after surgery and months of rehab (35 visits to be exact) it's still not quite right and the mounting costs of getting it right is just another one of those things that when thrown in the mix with the rest of life's stuff it begins to take its toll.
This was my 3rd trip with the majority of these young men and women and was the most we've ever had go on a trip so that in itself was pretty exciting though I wasn't looking forward to going for personal reasons knowing it would be the last trip I took with 1 of them, my son who was graduating. We had been on mission trips together to Mexico, an Indian reservation in Montana, a former mining town along the Ohio and West Virginia border and now to small town in Arkansas. I had witnessed all of them all grow so much over the years but knowing my son's intentions on what he was planning to do with his degrees after college (physics and environmental science) and put them to use in the missions field helping with sustainable energy and clean water I couldn't be more proud as a youth leader and even more so as a father.
This mission trip was shaping up to be something perfectly in my wheel house as I was getting to combine a couple of my passions; sports and youth ministry as I was getting to put my years of coaching experience to better use by helping lead sports ministry this week for the teenagers in Marvell Arkansas. But it is usually in these moments where we feel most comfortable that we are the least useful, especially in God's plans as we take things for granted and rarely have to put much effort into those things that come naturally to us. But time after time it is the unqualified or the least of these that are used to fulfill God's promises and communicate to us through every day circumstances and interactions. It's not until we are taken out of our comfort zone that we are truly capable of making an impact for those around us by having to rely on God to give us strength for those daunting tasks, to calm our fears and quiet our mind so we can can listen to His calling and to have the courage to step away from what we know we can do and into the unknown.
Unfortunately many times our response is not to lean on God in those moments but to question why those moments are happening And that's exactly what I did when I hit the ground. I went straight into "why me" mode. Why is this happening to me, why is this happening now, what did I do to deserve this, how can you let something like this happen when I'm doing it for you. All of this was directed at God and there was no getting around that. This was the 2nd day of our ministry work and I felt like these things that I was good at were just taken away from me and that I was pretty much useless the rest of the week. I ended up having a lot of time to myself to go over these questions and that has continued for some time. But in those moments while I was there I came to realize I was too far into my comfort zone. I didn't need to truly make 1 on 1 connections with anyone playing sports and I really didn't need to even talk to anyone. But while on the "sidelines" the rest of the week I was able to connect with one of the local city workers who was basically my counterpart for what I do for the city back home and I got to learn a lot of the history of the town and the surrounding communities as we swapped old high school football stories. I learned about his family and what he does to help integrate his daughter into the community he works in because they live in another town and how he hopes and prays for this town and their struggles. I learned and saw things I would have never experienced had I been out there running around like an idiot.....my wife's words not mine.....or maybe that's what she said about why I got hurt. It was all such a blur but that was the gist of it.
I continued to have conversations with other kids of the community and with other youth from the other churches and was able to take a step back and watch my church kids do amazing things with the time they had as they continually pushed themselves and at the end of the week I asked to share my experience with everyone before our final night of prayer and ceremonial foot washing. I explained that I know there are some of them who don't know why they are there or felt there wasn't a point to them being there but I said that one day; maybe on the drive home maybe years from now someone will say something that brings you back here and it will be revealed in that moment why you here at this moment in time and the difference it made and not necessarily in the life of someone else but in your own. And for me it was stretching myself beyond my comfort zone and making connections that will stay a part of me for the rest of my life that wouldn't of happened had things gone as I planned.
That night I was blessed with the opportunity to pray over each of our youth individually with the other leaders from our church. If you ask me what I prayed about after each one I couldn't tell you as they weren't my words but I was at that time listening to God and conveying what message I needed to deliver to each one of them. But there is one thing I remember and that was the opening prayer I spoke over Emma. She's one of those that I've drug along 24+ hours in a van to Montana, then had a bunch of expectations flipped upside down in Ohio and now trying to make the most out of our opportunity in Arkansas. I know some of the things she's struggled with over the years so to say I'm proud of who she's become and what she is choosing to do would be an under statement. So when I said she's not the same girl I took to Montana 3 years ago there was no greater truth I could have spoken. And since then the choices she's made and the opportunities she's had to share her faith not only in her school but in Africa as well and to continue her journey in the manner she is it's hard to believe how far out of her comfort zone she has stepped.
Unfortunately for me much of what I gained on this trip was left there as my knee further complicated things for the ride home. Then surgery, 6 weeks of crutches, not being to coach as I was so accustomed to and all the rehab and then set backs and more rehab brought me back to the why me status. Then this week happened. Tuesday I got our lesson plan for the week and it was on doubts and how we confront them in regards to God. It's what I needed to see as I had been avoiding listening because I wasn't hearing the answers I wanted or needed. So later that evening God got my attention with a 2x4 when Emma posted a blog on her World Race site as she is taking a year off from school to do mission work and she ended it with those words I spoke over and I'm not gonna lie it hit me in the feels and again was exactly what I needed and I took the opportunity yesterday to thank her and explained the struggles and doubts I've been carrying these last 6 months and I'm glad she listened then and now for everything she wrote made a difference for me.
It's moments like this that reassure me that I'm still making a difference but that I also need to listen for Him because He speaks in so many different ways.
You should read this because it's so much better than what you just read.......
http://emmakoestner.theworldrace.org/post/a-moment-of-vulnerability
